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14 November 2008 @ 04:29 pm
i spent the day looking up tips on how to save money, trying to find a new job then gave up and looked up volunteer opportunities. there are a million volunteer opportunities but of course none of the ones that i'm actually interested in are offered in the east bay. and the organizations that ARE available in the east bay are not offering volunteer work. who doesnt want free labor?! as i get closer to graduation, i get more intimidated to get on with life. it's been a long school career and it's almost the time to end it.. after almost 17 years of school---how do you just transition yourself into the real working world?!
i gotta find a new job!!!
Current Mood: pessimisticpessimistic
08 November 2008 @ 04:06 pm
it's really amazing how racist this country still is. we're so babied in the bay area, or at least in a 15 mile radius of san francisco to make us feel like we might just have a chance at overcoming the racial barriers we've had historically. race is of course, just a socially constructed idea.. there's no such thing as race. no racial biological thing at least. and yet if you ask any person of color, you know that race is very real and very present in our everyday lives. you go out to pleasenton, and Obama signs are being torn up, garage doors are being defaced. you go on youtube and there are countless comments about black folks this and black folks that. of course they don't say it so nicely though. and it just opens up the conversation that america seems to not want to have because if we have that conversation---all of sudden, everyones a fucking racist.
and what has race, if it isn't a real thing, really done in the united states? it's given privilege to some, and none to others. the privilege of education, not just schooling , real education. it's given the right to vote to some and not to others in time not so long ago. it's given people the hidden privileges of not having to be followed in stores, not to be randomly pulled over by the police, and not to be questioned of your english skills.
and even though we should be critical of obama and of ourselves, we should also hope that obama as president will shift the minds of some about race. and always remember that what got him in the white house is not the low approval ratings of bush or the fear that sarah palin might one day be our president.. it's the people. the people who went out and campaigned and vote and urged other people to vote... now our job is hold him as well as his cabinet accountable for what they do. just because we carry someone to the white house does not mean it ends there.

anyway- i'm not sure how this started about race and ended with our responsibilities as critical citizens but that's how it happens sometimes ;)
Current Mood: hungryhungry
01 August 2008 @ 06:43 pm
i've recently come home from maui and it didn't hit me the first couple times i went but this time, i felt so overwhelmingly unhappy when i came home. not because i didn't miss anyone or because i loved it so much there but because i realized how much i dislike it here! (i can't bring myself to hate it) the concrete jungle of a place here in the bay area is so not appealing to me anymore. i used to have so many emotional attachments here because of everyone and because of all of the places i've spent so much of my life but i would love to spend some of my lifetime in a chill ass place like hawaii. i hate our chain stores and the suburbs and how you can't get anywhere without a car (as if the bus is a feasible option anywhere but sf?) the violence and killing and gangs and overall attitude of the youth here is so disappointing. i know this isn't exclusive to the bay area and i feel really old criticizing "the youth" but it's like our values as a generation is ?!?

i'm not sure what this means for me in the future.. but i really don't know if i see myself here anymore
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
17 March 2008 @ 09:52 pm
when we chose who we want to be, is it always better than who we avoid being? the answer may be clear because we can pick and choose aspects of ourselves that we want to show and others that we want to hide. but what about when it comes to ethnicity? we throw in a bunch of sore spots like the language we use and the people we associate with and DONT associate with and the classes we choose to take and the clothes we wear and the phrases we use and the music we listen to and the drugs we do and do not do and the way we speak and the way we do our hair and the accesories we choose.

but what if it all comes down to ethnicity versus whats in. i'm questioned constantly of what the fuck do you know about being pilipino with that tattoo on your back. in jokingly, nice, weird ways of course but questioned none the less to put up a front like im ready to fight with all of the knowledge ive accumulated over the years and how much i dont want to be defensive because i dont know everything and if i have this tattoo im suppose to know everything. but no that isnt the reason why i got the tattoo, you see its a form of inspiration i can only see when i expose more skin and expose more of who i am to myself in the mirror.

i never understood the reasons we choose to be people we are not. and if you grew in a struggle i feel you i do but no, i am not you and no i will not try to be you like so many others. i will not buy into the gold chains and the rims and grills and claiming to grow up in a struggle i did not grow up in.... though as hard as i try when the alcohol takes over, i WILL dance to it. and i not speaking to the underground hip hop that can consume every color, every shape, every problem, every but in turn will not ask you to consume IT. i am speaking to that which the youth has so blindly bought into. my youth that i wish would look inward instead of whats on tv.

and when we have two choices to choose from.. ethnicically speaking.. for example half filipino half mexican, what do we choose? we choose the one that fits the environment the best. and its so sad, you know, its so sad to have to choose to have to survive to have to be one or the other because if youre not one or the other they wont accept you. you'll be not enough of one and too much of the other and im sorry. im sorry we have to choose and im sorry that the youth has no real reasons to look beyond what is selling, what is cool, what do i need to be someone in school. i'm just sorry.
06 March 2008 @ 11:37 am
i tend to be more intimidated by life's advances more because of how my parents will look at me rather than how my life really will be once i moveoutgetajobgetengagedgetmarriedhavesomekids. i dont know where it comes from because i probably have some of the most understanding, liberal minded parents. i dont know if its expectations ive created in my mind or the fear of disapproval i will face from my dad which would be nothing less than heart breaking. but as a i grow older, i feel as if i break the heart of chris who i refuse to discuss our future as a couple with for fear of bigger and more complicated plans than i can stomach. but even still i look at myself as my daddys little girl rather than chris' serious girlfriend. its a shift i have yet to move myself into.
28 December 2007 @ 08:38 pm
i've learned to never ask why in times like these. because that bottomless question leaves us feeling that way. in times of no answers and explanations, we find the most comfort not in the answers that satisfy but the arms and hugs and kisses and words and laughter and tears of others.
Current Mood: worriedworried
19 December 2007 @ 07:32 pm
Dear God,
Christmas is here. I don't believe everything you supposedly want us to believe in you know? Jesus wasn't even born in December... why do we celebrate it in December? There is a great deal of spirit of giving during this time. Why don't people know you want us to be giving all year around? Why do people feel so religious around this time of year? Why am i writing to you right now? I feel like I owe a great deal of thanks to someone, and I feel sometimes, like tonight, I owe those thanks to You. For my friends. For the friends who entertain the shit out of me, who love me, who share with me, who keep in touch with me, who listen. For the family, that regardless of all the gossip and distance between us, we someone manage to give each other a hard time if you cant make it to the Christmas table together. Because we care and we want to see your ass there! I am thankful for them all. I am thankful for blessing of education without which I would not feel so horrible about the world every day and it's evils. More importantly, I am not oblivious to them. But in turn, I am thankful for the kindness I see, even with simple gestures like holding the door open for the person behind them. I know I give you a hard time. I don't always have faith. I think I just have less faith in the people who have turned Catholicism into this absurd paternalistic, gay bashing, anti abortion political religion rather than an all encompassing love, forgiving and understanding religion. And maybe I have it screwed up, maybe I am just a more spiritual person than a religious person but I want to let you know I haven't let you go completely. I want you to know I still feel you all around me during this time. Merry Christmas.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
23 October 2007 @ 09:51 pm
no one has any inspiration left in them to write anymore. i remember in high school when maryann, steph, camille, kelley and i would write in our little journals about everything. thoughts about the future, love, relationships, inside jokes, pictures posted every now and then and of course, complaints about school and all the losers who inhabited high school that pissed us off. we wrote great entries too! ones that inspired each of us to make our own or to comment on what a great insight we had. but now some not all, and i include myself in this mess, are addicted to myspace and facebook. the reliving on drunk nights through pictures and comments and waiting anxiously for the next album to be put up. and not that that isnt satisfying because of COURSE it is, otherwise i wouldn't be so into it all but i really miss reading what people have to say. i miss reading what people have to say not what people wore that night or how drunk they got or the hilarious comments that came outta their mouth. no, i really just miss what people have to say and what the hell is on their minds when they're of a sober thought. ya know?

i was thinking the other day what a pretty freakin' awesome summer i had. what with all my birthday celebration in the city and in vegas. camping only to be followed by a freakin BBQ POOL PARTY. taste and san jose and santa cruz and dnbs in the south bay. beer pong & board games & guitar hero at my house. chris' cousin's wedding and all the weddings i got to assist in as an intern. it's probably the funnest summer i've had with so minimal amounts of drama its ridiculous. but what really matters now and what i really notice and love is how now that one of our party crew members is way, way down and out, we've all managed to make our way to the city to visit. pictures and flowers and hugs and just spending time with someone who really is, in the worst position someone could be in at 23 years of age. so even though it was a great summer, it really is amazing the friendships that grew out of that summer. because it takes little to no effort to get drunk together and have a good time. but you know it means something when one is down and all come running. that's more than just a good summer, that's really giving a shit about one another and THAT is pretty freakin' awesome.
18 October 2007 @ 11:12 pm
its a lil accordion scrapbook!

all folded out

the cover of the tin it folds into.

28 September 2007 @ 11:13 pm
we always, as human beings, tend to take for granted the gift we have by living right now. it isnt our fault really, we get caught up with work, school, relationships, the partying, the little materialistic monster we all have in us... how can we not take it for granted? but what the hell do we do when the poeple we hold closest to us is threatened with that very gift being snatched away?

and we never know quite what to make of it either... do we give them comfort? do we pretend like things are fine until the day comes we cant pretend anymore? do we cry along with them in hopes of trying to understand what its like to be in their position? or are we just crying for ourselves because we know soon, we wont be able to make any new memories with them..

there isnt anything really anyone can do but to find comfort in each other and to remember that life isnt something any of us can take for granted. dont ever take those people you hold closest to your heart for granted either because really, what is this life without them?